Perfection is always a problem, and one area where it can do great harm is our sex lives.
If your wife feels she never does well enough, she may stop trying. That doesn’t necessarily mean she stops having sex, but it will mean she won’t put effort into making it what you want it to be. Can you blame her? If her best efforts aren’t enough to please you, why should she put herself out just to be a failure? It is fine to let her know what you want, but be reasonable, and be grateful for what she’s doing now. Thanking her, especially when she makes an extra effort, will encourage her to try even harder. Understand that she has neither a penis nor a male mind, so she doesn’t know how either works or how to best pleasure them. Give her help learning about your mind and your body, and encourage her as she learns.
The other side of this is turning down an offer for sex because it’s not what you want. There are several problems with this:
- You can send the “you’re not good enough” message I warned about above.
- Rejecting any honest offer is bad form, and it reduces the chance she will make such an offer in the future.
- If you say you’re really horny, then turn down a hand job, what does that say to her? Will she believe you the next time you tell her you “need it bad”?
- Quality sex is born out of quantity sex; the more you have, the better it gets.
- Judging if she “means it” or is just offering “mercy sex” is a bad plan. Accept what she says at face value.
- Sex is a great way of bonding, and maybe she needs that even more than you need release.
Please don’t let perfectionism limit your sex life!
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The problem is, I believe, is that this “I’ll never satisfy him” really means “Since he wants more than plain missionary and more than once every other month – I’ll never satisfy him, so why bother”.
John – If that is what it means, and that is what it has ALWAYS meant, then yes, you have a problem.
I have heard that from women who have no husband caused reason to feel that way, and I’ve also heard it from women married to men who want their marriage bed to look like a porn video. (Not suggesting you are the second, just coving all the bases for those reading). The solutions for those two problems are very different.
I hear it all the time and I’m not the latter you mention. I’d be happy with once a week and a different position every once in a while. Maybe OS (which I give gladly but never recv). Right now its about 4x a year and ol’ plain jane. Oh, and once in a while I’d like to not see the 10 year old T-shirt in bed that I see every night.
I believe that it’s somewhere in berween, and I understand what John is saying. For me it’s not as bad, but some fun would be great and maybe another position besides the 3 (missionary, inverse missionary, and from behind laying down) would be great, some oral as well. (I “oral” her when I can) and I’ve talked to her about that.