When I did a number of posts on false choices I had intended to do one on false choices in sex, but got side tracked. So here we go…
I see many couples miss out sexually because of false choices and other poorly worded questions:
- False Choice: Can we have sex now? A yes or no question.
- Better Choice: Can we have sex today? This is open to things like “I think I can do it later” or “Yes, if you help get the kids to bed.”
- False Choice: Do you want to have sex? If she doesn’t, then “no” is not saying she won’t have sex, it’s an honest answer to the question you asked.
- Better Choice: Would you have sex with me? She might be willing because she loves you – and she might get into it once you start. If you want sex, ask for it!
- False Choice: Are you horny? Some women rarely feel horny, but can often be made to feel that way.
- Better Choice: Would you be opposed to making out? This is an offer to get her horny.
- False Choice: Why won’t you _____? This puts her on the defensive.
- Better Choice: What would make it easier for you to try ______? Assumes willingness, and asks how you can help make it happen.
- False Choice: Do you like it better when I ____ or _____. This assumes she likes one or both, which may not be the case.
- Better Choice: Do you like it when I _____? What about when I ______?
- False Choice: I know you’re tried/not feeling like it/stressed, but would you have sex with me? You may have miss judged what she is feeling, which is likely to irritate her, and irritation is not a good way to get sex.
- Better Choice: Are you feeling up to having sex? This shows you are concerned about her feelings and situation, but does not put words in her mouth.
I realise some of these seem like minor issues where your bride could easily correct you. However, if she is uptight about sex, or talking about sex, you don’t want to give her any additional obstacle. She may give the simple but inaccurate answer just to avoid having to discuss it more deeply.
There are four posts in this series (current post in bold):
Don’t accept false choices
Don’t offer false choices
False choices in sex
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I am a wife, just to be clear. If my husband asked me to make out, I’d melt right then and there. Not that I condone our sinful behavior before we married, but it was hot hot hot to make out clothed and then slowly move on to.heavy petting and oral. (We didn’t have intercourse until after we got married.). In a way, I miss that. We mutually worked at arousing and climaxing. Then we got married and intercourse is pretty much it (I still give oral and hand to hubby, but he does not return it.) And intercourse is very one sided. He rarely takes the time for me. Very very rarely. I do have a higher libido than him. This article is helpful for me as a wife to think of ways to talk to him about sex without hurting his ego. I hope this opens better communication between us because we don’t talk about sex. We just do it. My only issue is that I have a hard time requesting or asking because then it feels like I am bothering him when he doesn’t really want to and that makes it pretty much impossible for me to climax. But, if I don’t ask, I don’t get. Ugh….we so have a lot of work to do.
You make a very good point here, and not just about sex. Often the way we say or ask something and the specific words we choose may convey a message or trigger a reaction that interferes with what we are really trying to communicate. By being a little more mindful of our words we increase the chances of have a positive response.