This is one of the most significant and potentially marriage-changing posts I’ve ever done. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it can have a massive effect on your wife, your marriage, and your sex life. Please take this seriously, and give it a real try.
I’ve often said non-sexual touch is necessary for a woman to want and enjoy sexual touch, and now I have a survey supporting my claim. The survey isn’t perfect – it would have been good to have an, “I don’t want more touch” choice. So this applies to women who want more touch, which other surveys have shown to be true for most wives.
Question: Women – other than sexual contact, what physical touch would you like more of from your husband?
Touching me as he walks past 75.7%
His arm around me 56.8%
Many kisses during the day 43.2%
Shoulder rubs 43.2%
Snuggling laying down 43.2%
Holding hands 40.5%
Back rubs 37.8%
Some very long kisses 37.8%
Snuggling sitting down 37.8%
Full body massage 35.1%
More hugs 35.1%
Laying on him while we watch TV 35.1%
Some very long hugs 35.1%
Sitting closer (on the couch, at a restaurant …) 29.7%
Foot rubs 27.0%
Wrestling 13.5%
Sitting in his lap 10.8%
- What jumps out on this is that three-fourths of women said a touch as hubby walked past was something they desire. This is not a difficult thing; it takes almost no effort and only seconds to do. A brief touch on the arm, a passing grasp of her hand, or a pat on the butt if it’s okay with her. Simple, easy, and powerful. Doing this a number of times a day tells her you are always aware of her, always thinking of her, and always desiring intimacy with her. Most women are desperate to feel that way about their husband!
- Second, at more than half, was his arm around her. Be it while walking or sitting, this is a powerful form of touch for a woman. I suspect there’s a safe and protected aspect to this form of touch. Additionally, this shows the world you love her, and it makes her feel especially good in public because it tells her you’re not ashamed of loving her in front of others.
- A little less than half the ladies cited kissing during the day (as opposed to as foreplay). Trust me on this; it’s almost impossible to kiss your wife more than she wants. You can even throw in some heavy kissing and a bit of gentle groping on occasion if you do plenty of kissing. “Some very long kisses” was mentioned by over a third of the women, so some are specifically looking for more than a peck!
- Most of the rest of the options were all chosen by roughly one-third of the women. I think this shows individuality, and means you need to do some trial and error to find what your wife wants and enjoys the most. “Sitting in his lap” was picked by only one woman in ten, but for some of those it may be a huge thing, and maybe a turn-on as well.
- The responses on massage are interesting; with shoulder rub being highest rated, then full body massage, back rub, and finally foot rub. Again, this shows preferences. Some women probably selected all four, while others only wanted one. Shoulders are a good choice because it releases pain and stress and is intimate without being in your face sexual. In the second section, one lady commented, “Foot-rubs = Foreplay…..I just can’t get him to realize it! :)” – take a lesson, men!
Question: Women: How do you think more non-sexual touch would affect your interest in sex?
I would feel less used 36.4%
I think I would be open to more sex 33.3%
I think I would want more sex 30.3%
I think I would want a lot more sex 30.3%
I think I would enjoy sex a lot more 30.3%
I think I would enjoy sex more 21.2%
I think I would be open to a lot more sex 15.2%
No change 3.0%
Only 3% of thge women said more touch would not change her sexually! All the rest said they thought more touch would result in wanting or enjoying sex more.
- Forty-eight percent of the women thought they would be more open to sex or a lot more sex encompasses just under half the women.
- Sixty percent, said they would more touch would cause them to more sex or a lot more sex. Non-sexual touch is clearly a great way to increase sex in a marriage!
- Just over half of the women said more touch would result in them enjoying sex more or a lot more. This may not make sense to those of us with male minds, but clearly half the women think more non-sexual touch means enjoying sexual touch more.
- The most picked answer, chosen by over a third, was “I would feel less used”. If a man only touches his wife when he’s having or seeking sex, is it any wonder she feels sex is all he wants? This is one of those places where actions speak far louder than words!
The bottom line is, non-sexual touch has a powerful effect on a woman sexually. However, many men avoid non-sexual touch when we feel sexually starved. Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?
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Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:
A Grown Up Marriage
It’s Called SELF-Confidence for a Reason ◄ Interesting thoughts, well worth a read.
Black and Married with Kids
Another Type of Sex to Add to Your List ◄ This is a good one!
The Generous Wife
Marriage in a Bucket ◄ Got a marriage bucket list? Get one!
Lights Out ◄ Another voice for more marriage via less technology.
The Freedom to Fail ◄ I am SO glad my bride has given me this gift!
Hot, Holy and Humorous
What Is Sex? ◄ It might be more than you think!
Intimacy in Marriage
Do You Have Sexual Blind Spots? ◄ Great question!
Journey to Surrender
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions ◄ Scott takes on one of the few places where I disagree with His Needs, Her Needs author Dr. Willard Harley.
Tough Decisions (Part 2) ◄ Exactly!
Marriage Missions International
Ten Great Tips ◄ Ten each for husbands and wives.
mission:husband
PROTECT Your Marriage! ◄ Great post! How are you doing in the areas mentioned?
One Flesh Marriage
Flirt ◄ Not as innocent as you may think!
Flirt Like You Mean It! ◄ Kate suggest flirting is good – when done with your spouse!
Pearl’s OysterBed
Make Love to Your Wife, Not Your Iphone ◄ What, playing on the smartphone is not turning her on? Who knew!
Simple Marriage
Remember to Touch ◄ A nice fit with today’s post.
Stupendous Marriage
Questions and Answers about Marriage ◄ Another great podcast.
As a guy with a primary love language of physical touch, I can tell you that this is important. My wife does not speak physical touch and refuses to do so even though I have repeatedly ask. I can tell you IT HURTS! My wife tells me she loves me, but I can’t hardly feel it from the pain I feel from the lack of touch and it is salt in the wound when I ask her to do more touch and she still does not do it.
I could not agree more. I’m sorry you, too are experiencing this. Everything posted in these articles are things I have worked on and tried for the better part of 2 years; since my kid was born. Our therapist had us ask each other why we have sex. My answer, because it is my love language and it is the main way I feel close to my wife. Her answer? Because he wants to. Nothing can shut down a man’s confidence, sense of self worth, and joy faster than that response. I feel as though I cannot talk about how it makes me feel without her turning it around on me.
Non-sexual physical touch is one of the benefits of dancing with your spouse. And several reliable sources indicate that it positively benefits your sexual relationship, as mentioned in this post: http://wp.me/ppXmN-2I
It appears as if the survey is still active as the numbers have leveled off about from what you quote in your article. I don’t think it drastically changes your message, but it is definitely different.
nope nope nope. my wife constantly dodges my attempts at physical contact and affection. im not an unattractive man. i could be out looking for an affair right now instead of thinking of suicide because my wife is so selfish. but i dont want that. i want her and she doesnt even appreciate that after more than a decade of marriage. yeah she wants to cuddle. but guess what? my genitalia is on the outside of my body and i get aroused the majority of the time when cuddling. my hands are constantly smacked away or she squirms when i advance. some women are just too selfish to tell their husband they are not interested in them anymore. they are afraid of losing the labrador theyve spent years training. if a guy is abusive or something then they throw him out. but when he is just taken for granted and psychologically mistreated that is just unethical. its abuse to any persons right to be happy. life is short. i hope i dont kill myself. but if i do i hope she reads this.
Ditto, ditto, ditto brother except 32 years over here.
Won’t give her the satisfaction of suicide because I have been dead for years. Decades.
Only thing I still pray for is quick, merciful, and painless and chooses a time when I am in good standing. Very difficult to not have “stray thoughts” in a cruel sexless marriage. Ironically, it was easier when I was single.
Adam may have needed Eve, but I sure didn’t need this “marriage”.
nope nope nope. my wife constantly dodges my attempts at physical contact and affection. im not an unattractive man. i could be out looking for an affair right now instead of thinking of suicide because my wife is so selfish. but i dont want that. i want her and she doesnt even appreciate that after more than a decade of marriage. yeah she wants to cuddle. but guess what? my genitalia is on the outside of my body and i get aroused the majority of the time when cuddling. my hands are constantly smacked away or she squirms when i advance. some women are just too selfish to tell their husband they are not interested in them anymore. they are afraid of losing the labrador theyve spent years training. if a guy is abusive or something then they throw him out. but when he is just taken for granted and psychologically mistreated that is just unethical. its abuse to any persons right to be happy. life is short. i hope i dont kill myself. but if i do i hope she reads this.
[…] • NON-SEXUAL TOUCH AND SEX […]
my wife could care less about sex. in fact, I have not had sex in over 9 months, I am pretty mad about this, continually saying “no” at first to me completely giving up all together. I am pretty tired of the BS.. I am ready to say “im done” after 21 years.. what do I do?
my wife could care less about sex. in fact, I have not had sex in over 9 months, I am pretty mad about this, continually saying “no” at first to me completely giving up all together. I am pretty tired of the BS.. I am ready to say “im done” after 21 years.. what do I do?
Texastk421 Tell her, calmly and clearly, you do not feel you can continue in a sexless marriage. This gives her the choice, fix it, or else. If she still does nothing, you know she would rather be single than deal with her sexual issues. Then you can prayerfully decide what you can deal with and what you need to do.
feidlimid athol
Has there been any change sine your post here?
Texastk421
I am at year 28, and it did not take that long to get here. Once our first child was born, it was like she had a new confidence or purpose and became just hostile – to me anyhow.
This erodes everything we ever thought about the future, plans, etc. A Sexless marriage has sucked my life from me. I work, I am fit, I am plenty domestic and helpful and I DO care about her and here well being. But I am just so empty from this continual emotional abuse. HAVE YOU TAKEN ANY ACTION SINCE YOUR JANUARY POST?
I’ve been married nearly 15 years and my wife isn’t interested in any touching whatsoever. She doesn’t tell me she loves me and she will never ever kiss me. Forget about sex, if I even talk about sex she tells me that marriage isn’t about sex and I’m selfish. It’s destroying me. I’ve tried telling her and she launches into a speech about how she’s given up on our marriage. The rest of the time she’s kind enough and we get along alright. I feel trapped, we have 3 children and I don’t want to divorce. We were going to counseling for a while last year and I thought we were making progress. Then we had a big argument about her really long vacations, since then she won’t go to counseling and it’s been like this. I’ve continued counseling alone, but she won’t go alone or as a couple. I’m terrified to touch her or talk about anything to do with our relationship. Every now and then I’ll get the courage to hug her or touch her arm, but she either doesn’t respond or she pushes me away. Before we were married we would cuddle all the time, she was very affectionate. She claims a lot of it is due to my occasional pornography use or that we argue. She says she just doesn’t love me anymore. One day she even mentioned that maybe we should have an open marriage. I want to fix things, but I can only change myself. I want her to forgive me and I want to forgive her and move on, but it feels impossible. I’ve dealt with anger issues in the past but have overcome most of it. I know there’s always more I can improve. I can’t imagine getting divorced, but I’m so afraid. It’s making me really depressed and despondent. My counselors pretty much always tell me the same thing. That I need to be happy without her and then even if the marriage ends I’ll be happy. I have always thought marriage was for serving each other and I’ve worked hard to support my family. I thought that as long as I kept trying that she would as well, and that we would stay together no matter what, but now I feel so alone. I found this site while researching how to save my marriage. I’m desperate and I pray that God will save our marriage. Every day is painful and I don’t feel like i can go on. Thank you for reading this. I would like to hear your input. I felt like I was going to scream, so I needed to write this.
Hang in there buddy
I feel empty, my wife and I have been together for 16 years. She tells me everyday she loves me, kisses me by when either of us are leaving. She just dosen’t desire sex anymore. She is 56 and I’m 50, she just says sometimes she is too old for sex. Personally. she is still desirable as she was 16 years ago. I usually end up getting hurry up and get it over statement when we do. I am at least lucky enough I guess compared to some that we probably are intimate maybe once every 3 months or so. It wasn’t always like that, but for the last 4 years it has gotten slowly worse. I love my wife, and would never dream of stepping out of the marriage. Lately, I find myself feeling like a volcano ready to erupt. I’ll admit, I do notice other women, used to be I’d never even give another woman a thought. I try to talk to her, but she just says I don’t know, when I ask her why. I just feel like our marriage is dying.
I just don’t know what to say. I’ve read all your words and many are just an echo of mine.
I’ve read widely, and tried all suggested ‘solutions’ with no result.
I work, do housework daily, I go out with her to “give her a break”, I repair many things around home, and I just get more jobs, more abusive language, and get pushed away at every attempt just to hold her.
She often says, “I just want you to be nice to me”.
??????? I do that in my sleep!
She cant seem to see and appreciate every attempt I make to please her.
I’ve searched for help over and over, but no one seems interested in believing the depth of abuse to which I and other men are subjected. Everywhere I search, the focus is on helping women. If a woman is being abused, she should receive help but what about men? When will our pain end?
I have considered ending it all.
I wonder if the male suicide statistics have considered the extent to which the single act of withholding affection (unconditional love) is a factor in why a man would no longer want to live?
Women want to be loved!
So do men!
It’s a bit surprising I ended up on this site, as a wife looking around the internet about sex life issues discussed by wives, but this topic has been eye opening. It’s really sad what some of you guys are going through. I love and care for my man, but I care even more after reading all what you guys said. We tend to forget how the other gender is human like us and can suffer a lot. I’m kinda sad not to have any advice or anything to say to help any of you with your situation. I don’t know how or what could help. As for my personal situation, I have sex with my husband, maybe 2-3 times a month, but it’s always him who initiate, I struggle and find it extremely difficult to initiate intimate or sex times with my husband. I do have a sex drive, but its the act of sharing that sex drive I find difficult. There’s a part of me that’s a bit scared of letting go and just sharing the most private part of my life/self with anyone. I also know I grew up in a house where my mother always talked badly of sex or made it sound like sex was an impure thing and she was treating any man she was in a relationship terribly, maybe some of that negativity was burned in my brain or something. I’m also not satisfied because my husband doesn’t truly know how to lead me to orgasm and I crave affectionate touch but any touch we have is sexual touch. I’d love him to play in my hair, things like that, but the thing is, how can he do these things or get better at these things if I never open up, ask or help him ? I know I’m at fault for not talking about it with him or not leading him in bed to show him how to truly get me satisfied, but this shy part of me, this reserved part is so hard to overcome. I’d like to say it’s just because I’m introverted, but he is introverted too and doesn’t have any problem initiating or sharing with me what he wants. I might have some sort of mental block explaining why its so difficult to open up and initiate, but I don’t know what could be all the causes or the solutions. He never did anything that made me close myself to him, It’s me who has always been this way even before we got married. I wish I had all the answers, but you guys gave me a bit of courage today, to seek for the answers and to care a little bit more about my happiness and my husband and keeping our happiness.
@Nelly – You are not alone, and I’m so sorry.