Our Minds Distort Our Marital Realities

I was discussing weight loss with a friend who is also working to become less than he is. He commented he thinks he has the opposite of anorexia; he knows he has a good bit of weight to lose, but when he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see it.

It is interesting, in a rather disturbing way, that our brain can distort what we see when we look at ourselves. If our minds can fool us about how our bodies look, something we should be able to confirm or deny by looking in the mirror, how much more can it fool us about thoughts, feelings, and actions?

You think you’ve been kind and loving to your wife today – but your mind might be hiding things from you. She thinks she was respectful to you when you were out together, but her mind might be distorting things. When the two of you perceive something differently, it’s possible you are both wrong!

Anyone who works with couples quickly learns there are three versions of any interaction between a husband and wife; his version, her version, and what really happened. Which spouse is closer to reality can be difficult (or impossible) to determine. Additionally, our brains distort some things more than others, so sometimes he is close to reality while she’s not in the same zip code, and other times she is close, and he misses it by a mile. We all have areas where we are reality challenged.

The best thing you can do is accept the fact that your brain distorts things, and you can’t perceive the distortion because the mind you use to judge it is the mind causing the distortion. Accept that sometimes you’re closer to reality, sometimes your wife is closer, and there is no way you can know, much less prove, you’re right and she’s whacked! Even a third party may not be much help if they must rely on one or both of you relaying your perception. Sometimes it’s helpful to describe an event as simply as possible to a friend. If you can keep your perspective out of it, they may see something you can’t.

To work on such things as a couple, ask your wife to describe what she thinks is going on, and then do the same from your perspective. This will show you the difference, but it doesn’t help you know if either of you is close to reality. Ongoing discussion and trying to see things as your spouse sees them will help. Even if you don’t see it as she does, if you can learn to know how she will see certain things, you can work to avoid bad situations. Find different ways to do and express things. Look for ways of speaking and acting the two of you perceive closer to the same way. This is far more helpful, and far less aggravating, than endlessly arguing about who has a monopoly on reality.

Image Credit: © Ljupco Smokovski | stock.adobe.com
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