A few days ago, Lori used a part of my More on deserving post in a post she wrote for her blog. She got some push-back from several women over the word “bitchy” that I used in my post. When I used the word, I thought about it. While it’s not a word I commonly use, I don’t consider it swearing (some will disagree, that’s fine). I used it here, for a male audience, because we all know exactly what it means. We have all deal with women who are occasionally that way, and most of us have dealt with women who are that way most of the time.
I don’t bring this up to defend my choice of words; I want to talk about the harm we can do with our words. The same day my wife ran her post, my Bible reading included the following:
“If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you’d have a perfect person, in perfect control of life. A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything – or destroy it! A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue – it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!” [James 3:2b-10 The Message]
Being bitchy is certainly one way we can hurt others with our words, but what about ways men hurt with words?
- Sarcasm: Some men can’t open their mouth without sarcasm escaping their lips. I don’t think sarcasm is wrong, but I have noticed women as a whole seem to dislike it more often and more strongly than men. If sarcasm bothers your wife, spare her.
- Sharing private things: Just because you’re okay with sharing something private about her or the two of you does not mean she is okay with it. Aside from hurting her, it violates trust. Talking about your sex life is one obvious way this is done, but it can be other things she finds private.
- Mean jokes and poking fun: She’s not one of the guys, and she doesn’t want to be insulted and picked on the way you and your buddies do.
- Ordering or commanding: Demanding she do something rather than asking is a bad plan. She is not your servant, and treating her as such won’t result in a good marriage (or sex life!).
- Shutting her up: Most women can out talk most men because they “have more words”. Some men “defend” against this by arguing or yelling till she gives up. This might be a good plan in some situations, but it’s a very bad way to treat one’s wife.
- Offensive words: Most of us have words that set us off for some reason. Some are words we consider profane, while others are a problem because they were used to hurt or tease in the past. Be it the word, or the connection from the past, using words that upset or offend your wife is wrong. (Note: Added this due to a comment – a valid category I missed.)
All of these things are as annoying to her as bitchiness is to you. Don’t do unto her as you hate her doing unto you.
Photo by Michael Godwin on Unsplash
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I couldn’t help but detect a bit of arrogant & proud undertones in this particular article. You’ve acknowledged from the beginning that your wife had several negative comments regarding the word “b*tchy.” Therefore, you are at least mildly aware that the term is offensive to some of your audience.
“While it’s not a word I commonly use, I don’t consider it swearing (some will disagree, that’s fine). ”
Interpreted means, “I don’t use it often (but will use it in this article on purpose to prove a point), and because *I* don’t ‘consider it swearing, then it must not be so, because I have some special knowledge that others do not have.”
My husband can be harsh with his words, but has NEVER used this word in my presence (possibly not at all but I wouldn’t know), so I know it is possible to express ideas without it. Why use a word when you already KNOW some find it offensive? (and possibly more – the ones who complained probably aren’t the ONLY ones who didn’t like it)? The only reason one would *continue* to use it is out of arrogance and/or pride.
Wife – If there was any arrogance or pride I pray the Lord will show me that.
I said “some will disagree, that’s fine” because I don’t feel I am the final arbitrator of such things. I do what I think is right, and I know that no matter what I do, someone will be unhappy with it. I sometimes get emails about a post with some thinking I went too far and others thinking I did not go far enough – ON THE SAME POST!
As to other words, I honestly can’t think of a single word that means the same thing – and my vocabulary is fairly good. Synonyms at merriam-webster.com are:
bad [slang], hateful, catty, cruel, despiteful, malevolent, malicious, malign, malignant, mean, nasty, spiteful, vicious, virulent
Honestly none of those gives the same idea. I suppose a half a dozen of them together would, but not as well as the one word. I “continue” to use the word (this was the third time in three years) because it expresses what I mean better than any other word. If I avoided everything that will offend anyone, I would have to stop blogging.
My husband, as harsh & cruel as he can be verbally at times, is able to AT LEAST (at a very minimum), describe his displeasure w/ my speech/attitude/actions without using that word. If my husband (who teeters on verbally abusive at times), can do that, then it is certainly possible for a Christian blogger to describe that type of speech/attitude/actions without using that word. I realize if you avoided *everything* that offended everyone you would have to stop blogging, but clearly this has offended many. Your wife had to dedicate an entire blog on the backlash of your use of that word, and you have had to do the same. Even if you believe the word is okay to use in your own home, isn’t it not obvious that *maybe* it is not after all appropriate to use in blogs which purpose to encourage Christian marriages? A budding, young, new Christian husband reads your blog because he wants to be the best husband in the world he can be. And any husband who has that goal would read your blog because that is its purpose, right? He reads your blog, which uses that word to describe his wife’s behavior, and because YOU (the example) used it, he starts using it too. Maybe that won’t go over so well in his home as it has in yours? How has that blessed his marriage?
The Bible has successfully described such a woman (in various versions), without using the word b*tchy. Perhaps you could use one of those words: contentious, quarrelsome, complaining, nagging, etc.
Wife – Given your very strong reaction to the word, you husband is wise to avoid it.
I did not devote a post to defending my word choice, the post above letting men know about the ways their words can hurt their wife. Using words she finds inappropriate would be another category, provided her list is reasonable and not so large he needs to write it down.
Beyond that we will have to agree to disagree. I believe my choice of words did more good than harm, and that is the bottom line.
Blessings
I can be sensitive around this word, my father used to use it all the time. But I didn’t really find this post offensive or felt under attack, I knew you were trying to make a point Paul, thank u fr the points you’ve shared.
I think the bottom line is that we have different ideas of what is OK and not where language is concerned. My husband crossed the line for you, and I’m sorry that you found it so offensive, but I hope you were able to hear the message behind the posts.