[Today I am running a post Lori wrote to women, with a couple of comments at the end.]
OK, so I’m going to get a little personal here (just fair warning).
I started out with huge sexual issues when I married my guy (childhood sexual abuse, bad family messages about sex, acquaintance rape, a painful first marriage). Over the years I learned not to fear sex and then even to enjoy it some. It was still a struggle at times, but it was getting better and better, and I figured it would keep on that way. I was intentional about becoming healthy sexually, and it was working.
Then a couple of years ago “something happened” and sex became easy, fun and very good, almost like someone flipped a switch. I’ve always wondered what exactly happened, but it wasn’t until the other night that I think I figured it out.
My husband and I were talking about “tipping points” (where you reach a point of critical mass and push over into something new (and hopefully better)) and I went “ah-ha!” In my head, I saw a set of scales. On one side were all the sex-negative things, and on the other side were all the sex-positive things. At first, the negative side was clanking on the counter because of all the mess in my life. But over the years I added sex-positive things and worked very hard to dismiss and push off all those sex-negative things. At some point the positive outweighed the negative and the scales tipped! All this time I’ve been looking for that one thing that was responsible for the change, when it was the cumulative effect of a number of changes that finally tipped the scale.
My point in sharing this with you is that tipping points happen and you can build a happy, healthy sexual life if you will work at it. Actually, you could do that with any area of your marriage or your life, but I wanted to speak specifically to sexuality because so many women struggle with sex in marriage.
I made a point of changing what I believed, what I thought and what I did. Over time, that made a difference. I think that is why I harp on reading books and blogs, because they will help you challenge what you believe and give you ideas to try. At first it’s hard work, and it feels unnatural, but over time you can rework your belief system and change your habits. You can take sex-negative things out of your life, add sex-positive things, and tip those scales.
Be generous! Lori <><
I have no doubt God intends your wife to want and enjoy sex; if she does not, she needs to find who she is supposed to be so sex, and everything else, will fall into place. Your words and actions can be a part of that, but she has to be ready to receive those things. Nudge, don’t push.
A comment on tipping the scales. There are times when something big pushes them over, but with time the effect weakens and things tip back to the negative side. This is normal, and not nearly as big a deal as it feels. It means she is close to balanced, and should tip over again soon.
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Lori, that’s a lovely story. It’s *sooooo* encouraging to hear stories where people have found a way through; the image of the scales is a helpful one.
So glad you’re enjoying a happy intimate life. Your success spurs the rest of us on to believe things can change.
And thank you for the regular updates. Your husband posted yesterday about way he posts regularly and I think it’s really necessary to keep marital intimacy on the agenda and in the forefront of our minds.
God bless you :-)
David