I spend a lot of time here pointing fingers at husbands. This is not because I think men are worse than women, or are the bigger problem in the majority of marriages; I point fingers at husbands because my audience here is primarily male.
I know your wife is imperfect. I know she can be a horrible at times, does things to drive you crazy, and has a selfish streak that shows up occasionally – or frequently. Furthermore, I know for some of you she is the bigger problem in the marriage, and for a few of you, she is the vast majority of the problem. But here’s the thing – pointing my finger at her, when she’s not here, is a waste of my time. If she wants to be a better wife, she will do something about it; you telling her what I think would make her a better wife doesn’t fit in that category.
Fortunately, you are here, which probably means you’re willing to listen. I assume you’re here because you want a better marriage, and I assume you think the things I say could bring about a better marriage. I have no idea if your wife is motivated to change, but your being here suggests you are. At the very least, I hope you’re open to considering changes.
Even if 95% of the problems in your marriage are hers, you can still work on your 5%. I know it’s not much, but it’s what you have power over. Working on your 5% will do far more for your marriage than whining about the 95% over which you have no power. What’s more, when you work on your stuff you give her an example to follow. As your changes improve things for her, she gains a reason to want to make things better for you.
If all the problems in your marriage are about her, if it’s all her fault, then you’re powerless. If you tell yourself it’s all her fault, you’re powerless. On the other hand, when you look for what you can change, you find the power to change your marriage.
[This post first appeared Mar 15, 2012.]
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In a study I am doing, I am seeing that through the years more and more men are giving their power as the head of their house to their wife by blaming their wife for all the problems. In doing so, we also hand over the authority that God has given to men as husbands and fathers to someone other than who God designed to have that authority. Joshua is told to stand up and take courage as a leader and I believe that is what God is speaking to men today. One part of the way that is done is by refusing to blame everything on her.
Its a good reminder and explanation Paul. When I read your articles I do find myself thinking “What, ME again?!? Why is Paul always ragging on men?”
But I do know who your target audience is and that you are aware of both sides, and that we need to work on what WE can work on. Thank you.
landschooner – For what it’s worth that’s how I treat myself. I always try to see where I am at fault before I look for any fault in my bride. Sometimes I fail at that, but it’s the norm.